the last 2 weeks (ish) since i wrote my previous blog post have been some of the most
eventful weeks i think i've ever experienced in my life.
even now, typing this out, i don't really know what to say on here. i've already
had to spell out my feelings to certain people in ways that i really, really do not have
the experience to do. i'll try and keep it fairly light since this is a public blog
and also because i'm trying my hardest to make *this* particular week less
depressing. disclaimer that there will be mentions of alcohol use, depression, and
lots of other potentially not nice things below.
breakups suck no matter what way you slice them. i think the worst thing about them, at
least for me, is the way i sort of oscillate between feelings in an instant. one minute
i'll be feeling okay, convincing myself i can move on, the next minute i'll be sobbing again.
that's not even necessarily a breakup specific thing, honestly i deal with a lot of hard
stuff like that. this time has seemed worse than
normal, though. i don't want to spell out the full details,
i don't want to end up causing any more hurt or going into detail about that publicly,
but even though you think (or
at the very least hope) you've made the right decisions you can never help but have those
times where you just absolutely tear yourself up over it.
this whole experience (in combination with me slowly
starting to get out more progressively over the last few weeks) has made me realise that i am
absolutely awful at interacting with others (particularly in the real world). i think i'm
feeling especially volatile at the moment, and i'm really worried that has influenced me to
interact with people i care really, really deeply about in a way that permanently damages
not only my connection with them but also how they view me. i don't really have anyone else
but myself to blame, for getting myself into this cycle of just not going out ever and
experiencing how it is to actually interact with people. i'm not getting into the specifics
on this one either, because again it's a touchy subject at the moment and i really don't want
to hurt people at all. i just hope that i can get through the other side with these
connections intact. i shouldn't make myself a burden for others to have to deal with on top
of their other problems - i should be focusing on making myself someone those people feel
comfortable going to if they need someone to talk to. that's my goal.
very heavy stuff time. the two points above meant i was drinking a lot recently. i've never
had any sort of official diagnosis for depression (although i've actually been suggested to
do so) but i'm pretty confident i've been feeling a rather immense form of that over the past two
weeks. at least, in bursts. i think i really might need therapy or some sort of proper support,
we'll see how this next week goes. back to the drinking - i mentioned in one of my first posts
about how i rarely get out, and so that leads to the obvious consequence of being left alone in a
room with nothing but some music, alcohol and your own feelings. i thought alcohol would be a good
way to get through things, to mask how i feel and not dwell on it all. not exactly a very clever
thought process, past me! i'm alive at least, and that's what matters.
thankfully, as of today, i'm feeling notably better. still quite bad, obviously, but i feel like
i'm in the position where i'm starting to heal now. i've poured away what alcohol i had left, and
i've been out in the sun today, which has done a great deal. i've also got some very fun things
planned with people this week (namely those i referenced in paragraph 4) that i really hope
give me the strength i need to get through this in one piece. i owe it to them to not fuck
things up for myself, i think.
if you didn't see, i released a debut EP last night, called "songs for animals" on my bandcamp
page (which you can access on my website on the main page). the songs are undoubtedly lazy,
shit, all around basic and with some truly terrible ""vocal"" performances, but i released it now
for two main reasons. one: those songs mean a lot to me and represent the last few months of my life
really well. two: that particular chapter of my life isn't something i want to keep hanging over me,
and having this out there and off my fucking hard drive is some weird way of helping push past it.
i certainly felt a lot better after getting it out.
originally, i did mention it was gonna be an album. unfortunately, even though i'm not
happy with the songs on this EP, a lot of the other songs on the album were ones i was even less happy with.
it was going to be called "from just outside my window" and it was meant to be this really weird,
really crappy and really angsty semi-concept album about loneliness and trying to get out of being
isolated. there are two songs from it that i don't hate (and indeed one i really like, that will
potentially be getting a fixed up release at some point soon, once i've moved on from this a bit).
the end result isn't as ambitious, but it's mine, and that's what i'm happy with.
i'm still very scared of loneliness and the future. i don't know what the next chapter of my life will
entail. i'm not really that optimistic but i'm trying to hold on to it. i think i just need to get out
more. i'll be moving out into nottingham later this year, which i think will end up doing the world
of good. hope for that sort of thing is really helping me keep going, amongst other things.
i think i'm gonna call it here. everything will be alright in the end, and i really hope that
i'm moving past this like i think i am, and i'm not just at the peak of this weird sine wave i'm
riding. if you've listened to the EP, if you've been there for me at any point, if you've even just
talked to me, thank you. thank you thank you thank you.
a very, very non exhaustive list of people who are potentially reading this and i want to thank
in particular are alex,
akai, willow, shaun, brekern, lazlo, xenon, isla, amongst others. thank you all so, so, so much.
i know for some of you i have a lot of stuff i need to do to repair certain things. i really think
i can do it, and i'm really glad you're giving me the chance.
thank you, love you.
josh (ninjinskie).
this is probably quite a short entry. i'm currently sat in my university
library overlooking the little duck pond below, procrastinating studies by writing in
my silly little blog. vapour trails this week was co hosted with willow
which was extremely fun. not just because willow was a fucking awesome guest,
and that i love doing vapour trails, but also just because i love getting out
of my room.
i'll be on DTMH with willow this weekend, and i can't say i've been more excited for
something for a long time. i'm very glad to have met willow because it's been extremely
awesome to finally have friends to just do whatever with in nottingham (again, getting me
out of this room)!!! the fact she is absolutely awesome helps a lot, she is extremely cool
to talk to and yeah. so cheesed about it.
i'm sorry if i'm not being active as of late. university is causing me a lot of studying
related guilt, and i'm trying desperately to catch up to that whilst also maintaining
at least a little bit of my sanity.
anyway, back to doing my stupid little lab tasks and understanding nothing. bye!!
i'm not sure how frequently this thing will get updated. or indeed if it
will ever get updated. the truth is that i've never really bothered with
a public blog until this point. most of what i have to say i just post on
bsky, and most of what i feel like saying but can't bring myself to ends up
in some random, shitty google doc that i've been updating for a good few months
now.
still, it kinda feels nice to be able to type random stuff into a sort of void
where i know most people probably won't read it. if you are reading this, then
it means you actively clicked on me posting about it, which means you give at
least something of a shit about how i am and what i'm planning on yapping about.
thanks, i appreciate it. :)
i've been dealing with some very strong bouts of loneliness and depression over the
last year or so, potentially a bit longer than that. i know that might technically
be too deep of a topic to dive into on a public blog (it probably is), let alone
the first entry, but it contextualises a lot of other stuff i feel like talking about
so it's semi-essential info to know.
a number one piece of advice i can give is to never, ever live at home while you're
at university. i did it during my first year and hated it, which then somehow led
me to conclude that "oh i'll be fine, i don't need to stress too much about moving for year two", which
is possibly the worst thing you could ever think. i'm living around 25 miles from where i actually
attend university and it basically feels like i'm completely isolated from anything cool going off there.
shit, i might as well be isolated from my own studies at this rate. i'm not keeping on top of things in
the slightest.
fortunately, i've been trying my best over the last couple of weeks to be more active around campus.
i've met up with a very lovely friend from bluesky (hi willow!!!!) and it was such a fun day, it really did
wonders for my mental health. i've also been hosting my own show, vapour trails, which if you're reading
this you're probably aware of given how much i spam it everywhere. i'll be running a crossover episode with
another radio show this week, more details to come....it's gonna be so cool you don't even know!!
although i'm getting a place next year and finally, 100% moving out, it doesn't mean THIS year will be any
easier. everything up to now has kind of been incredibly draining and disheartening, and i'm now basically
just a hermit at this point jumping at any opportunity to get out of this stupid room where i basically do
everything. in fact, that's a big part of what my album is going to be about.
oh yeah, the album. it's the debut album i'm releasing under the name "sweethoney". there's a couple of singles
out for it, although one of them (fatigue) is a very early song that has since been scrapped. at this moment in
time, the main tracklist is basically done and i'm just doing whatever i can to try and make myself not hate what
i've made. it's sort of a losing battle, because i think everything on it is quite shit, except potentially the
outro of one song that i won't spoil yet.
the album is about quite a lot of stuff. isolation, guilt, uni anxiety, love, friends, procrastination.
some of the stuff i mentioned i do sing about, very badly, with terrible words and a fucking obnoxious singing voice.
there's quite a lot of genres, mainly down to the fact i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing. there's some ambient,
some shoegaze, some slowcore/singer songwriter acoustic stuff, and 99% of it is (as mentioned previously) extremely
bad.
regardless of that fact, i'll still be putting it out anyway. this album has given me a reason to procrastinate my uni
work for the last two weeks and it's one i won't be able to move past in the slightest, and i frankly don't see myself
being able to polish this thing up any further. you can't polish a turd after all. i have a super important test worth
about 30% of one of my module grades friday next week and i literally have no idea what i'm doing. hopefully the album
will drop at some point either this weekend or next week. there's just a quick sample i've got to get, some mixing changes
and that's about it. i'll post a link to it on my bsky whenever i release it (and of course you can find it via the links on the home page).
anyway, that's a condensed and somewhat filtered version of the words i'd want to say at this minute in time. i hope some of you
might be able to miraculously extract some ounce of joy from one of the songs when this piece of shit record releases. in the mean time,
i'll be trying (and failing) to study for my friday test, and make sure you tune in to vapour trails this week. we've got a fantastic show lined up.
take good care of yourself
josh (ninjinskie)